You Go to a Party With a Friend and Realize You Dont Know Anybody There. What Do You Do?

I've worked with a lot of children and teens with behavior problems over the years—and believe me, very few of their parents liked their friends. Information technology'due south like the national anthem of parents: "It's non my kid—it's those kids he hangs out with!"

When I hear that, I e'er say:

"Maybe that's then, but the reason he hangs out with that group is that he's similar to them. The parents of those other kids are probably maxim the aforementioned matter about your child."

The one-time saying is true: birds of a feather practise flock together. And that's particularly accurate in adolescence. Indeed, one of the master needs of a teenager's development is to belong to a group and exist accepted. That'due south why teenagers are always and so worried about how they wait and human action. And once they find a mode of dress, a type of music and a group of kids who accept them, it's very difficult for parents to break through.

The first matter you have to realize is that you can't pick your child'south friends. And if yous criticize their friends, you will see them react very strongly because they're developmentally bound to defend their called peer group.

When kids enter boyhood, they utilize a manner of looking at the world in which their friends are more important than anybody else. You'll ofttimes hear them say, "You just don't understand." And they volition also say, "Nobody understands me merely my friends."

So if yous criticize or set on their friends, yous're just making the relationship stronger. No matter how y'all experience nearly your kid's friends, I don't believe this straight kind of attack is constructive. In fact, there are kids who similar the fact that their parents don't approve of their friends. It adds to the flavour of the human relationship.

Understand that while your goal equally a parent is to proceed your kid protected and safe, your child's goal is to be with people who like him. Below are several ways to deal with the problem of the "wrong crowd":

Endeavour to Avoid Repeated Criticisms of Their Friends

I personally call back repeatedly criticizing your child'due south friends or pointing out that they're bad is not going to exist a successful strategy. Again, adolescents are developmentally at a identify in their life where they will defend their friends. And then it's very difficult for a parent to plough around and say, "Your friends are no good," and expect to take a conversation. Your child'due south natural urge will be to protect his or her friends, whether or not they know y'all're right.

Realize that criticizing your child'south friends is like criticizing whatsoever other aspect of your child. Information technology'southward going to be met with the same resistance and hostility—fifty-fifty if what you lot're saying is true. And all it volition do is further alienate your kid from you.

Make Clear Statements about Behavior

I think if you don't like your kid'south friends, the about constructive thing to say is the following:

"I don't like the way they behave. I don't like yous hanging out with kids who make it trouble, because you go far trouble with them."

Can y'all say this every solar day? No. Merely you tin can say information technology in one case in a while. Be certain to only state the facts. State what you don't like most their friends' behavior. You're non judging them, just their behavior. As a parent, I think y'all want to be a little smooth about that. You could say:

"Look, I'm sure your friends are nifty to you lot. Merely they all smoke pot and they all go into trouble. If you hang out with them, you're going to get into the same problem."

Remember, when we're having conversations like this with our kids, nosotros want to go on our observations understandable. In other words, talk about things that are clear and recognizable:

"I don't similar that Jackie got arrested for shoplifting. I don't want you to get arrested for it, as well.

Or,

I don't like that your buddies all use drugs because I don't want you using drugs. I don't think it's good for you."

Make those observations and keep it simple and straight and focused on the behaviors that you lot don't similar.

Utilize Structure

I think that structure can be very helpful when dealing with your kid's friends. If you don't like the kids he'south hanging out with, and then don't let him go out on school nights. Try to have more control over where he goes and what he does.

If he says he'south going to the football game, and then you catch him down at the mall with those friends, that's his choice. He chose to get someplace which you lot didn't know most, and at that place should be consequences.

Related content: How to Give Kids Consequences That Work

Prepare Limits

If you know your child'due south friends are engaging in behavior that isn't in line with your values, so I recollect you should ready limits on how much time they spend with those kids—or whether or not your child tin can encounter them at all. If his friends are breaking the constabulary or doing things that are unhealthy, y'all can say:

"Mayhap they're your friends, only I'm non going to let you hang out with them."

With a lot of adolescents, disobedience becomes a big problem. Many of the kids I dealt with would climb out their windows when told they couldn't go out. Just again, y'all gear up the standard as the parent. You set the expectation. If your kid doesn't encounter it, at least he knew there were standards and expectations to begin with, and now he will take to confront the consequences and be held accountable for his actions.

Going Out on Friday Night is Not a "Right"

Suddenly, kids hit a certain age when they think they take the right to get out. Well, I don't think so. I call back kids have to behave responsibly to earn the right to go out. And you tin can say:

"I'll allow you get out if you evidence me that you're trustworthy."

Behaving responsibly does non include hanging out with kids who use drugs and drink—that's all there is to it. I also think going out on Friday or Saturday nighttime is not a correct—information technology has to be something that is discussed every week.

My son used to come to me and say, "Listen, Saturday nighttime we're all going upward to the lake. Is information technology okay if I go?" Saturday nighttime was non his automatic night out. Instead, that was negotiated each week, and the answer wasn't e'er "Certain."

As a parent, I think y'all should be saying, "What are your plans this weekend?" Your child should know that they take to have their plans approved past yous get-go and that they have to comport responsibly to earn the privilege of going out.

Talk to Them About Mean Friends

What if your child is hanging out with kids who treat him badly? Know that he'due south hanging out with them for a reason. He's probably agape of them, then he'southward trying to become one of them.

When kids are agape of bullies and other kids, one of the options they have is to join the group and get a cracking. Because even though these kids are hateful to him, at that place is a sense of prophylactic at that place. The deal they make is, "I'll let you be mean to me and tease me, simply yous won't abuse me or beat me upward or take my dejeuner coin anymore."

If your kid'due south friends are hateful to him, the kind of questions you want to ask are:

"What are you lot trying to reach by letting people care for you this style? What are you getting out of that?"

Try to accept an adult conversation with your kid. You can say:

"Listen, you take choices. You don't have to hang out with these kids. You don't take to exist a victim. I can go you help with this."

When Your Child Hangs Out with Kids Who Utilise Drugs

Every bit we've said, in that location are several reasons why people gravitate toward different groups. If you take a kid with behavior problems, you volition often notice that they are attracted to friends who also have beliefs issues. If you lot have a child who doesn't do his homework and fails in school and is resistant and mouthy, he's going to gravitate toward friends who won't concur him accountable for that kind of behavior.

Instead, his chosen peer grouping will advantage and reinforce what he'south doing. In order to belong, he just has to do what the other kids are doing. That might exist whatsoever number of things, including shoplifting, defacing holding, using drugs, or drinking.

Aye, He's Probably Using Drugs

Information technology's a unproblematic fact that kids who use drugs hang out with other kids who utilise drugs. These kids are not likely to ask, "Did yous get an A in science?" If your child's friends employ drugs, realize that he is almost certainly engaging in the same type of risky beliefs—even if he says he's non.

Permit me be clear: in that location is no other reason for your child to pal around with kids who exercise drugs. If he says, "Well, they do it, but they don't exercise it around me," that's a lot of nonsense. It'southward only something kids tell you to throw you off track, and sadly, information technology's often a far cry from the truth.

Create a No Drugs Policy

Some parents say things to their kids like, "Well, yous shouldn't smoke pot, but everybody experiments with it." Don't give your child that cop-out line. Brand information technology very clear to your child:

"No matter what you see your friends or other kids doing, in that location is no using drugs. That's our expectation of you."

We were clear on that with our son. I personally feel parents cop-out when they say, "Yous shouldn't do it, but everybody else does it." Your kid is not equipped to make decisions about drugs. Drugs get you high, drugs accept away stress, drugs take away feelings of panic or crisis, and that ways something.

Once kids kickoff using drugs, it's like shooting fish in a barrel for teens to go dependent on them because adolescents ever feel stress. Drugs tin can become a dangerous way for them to get relief from all their fears and anxieties. Make no bones virtually it, drug rehabs today are filled with teenagers whose parents said, "They're simply experimenting" when their kids first started using.

There are important trouble-solving tasks adolescents have to work through in guild to prepare for adult living. Also, at that place is knowledge well-nigh the world that teenagers accept to learn in order to make healthy choices and keep themselves rubber. The use of drugs and alcohol in boyhood inhibits the possibility of these milestones existence reached. So I don't think parents should turn a blind eye or make excuses.

Many times, parents are afraid to feel powerless, then they'll make the excuse that everyone experiments instead of merely telling their child "no." Only you lot demand to hold your kid accountable and tell them right from wrong; that's merely the way it has to be. You accept to be very clear and have a stand:

"No drinking. No drugs."

When Your Child's Beliefs Changes

If your kid starts changing as a result of the kids he hangs out with, use a structured parenting routine: set up limits and manage their time.

I also call back you should expect that they're going to change during adolescence. They're going to find a grouping with whom they're going to identify. When you encounter an adolescent, believe me, he's probably rebelling against developed authorisation in a lot of footling means. And while your child may get to school and be fairly responsible, you'll notice that through music, through clothes, through a myriad of different things, it's a rebellious time in his life.

I think it'due south important for parents to understand that rebelliousness has a developmental function. Teenagers are individuating from their parents. What I mean by that is they're becoming individuals and separating from their parents. This feels as natural to adolescents as water feels to a duck. Nevertheless, it's oft a very difficult affair for parents to accept and manage.

Here's the lesser line: kids are going to make mistakes, and they're going to make bad choices. The best nosotros can do is guide them, set limits, project our view of what's correct and wrong in the world, and hold them accountable.

Related Content:
Am I Being Too Strict? How to Safely Give Your Kid More than Freedom
"Does My Kid Have a Video Game Habit?" How to Prepare Limits Around Video Game Utilize

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